C                 C7          Fmaj7                 G
Close your eyes, make a wish, picture your perfect woman
     C                  C7                          Fmaj7           G
Now open your eyes and forget about her cause I’m here and I’m not it
       Fmaj7
And before we go any further
            G
There’s a few things I’d like to admit

      Am
I’m a self-absorbed workaholic
                      D
My mind is always divided
      Am
My schedule is erratic, just like my thoughts
      D
I’m easily depressed or overly excited whoo!

 Am
I can’t do anything around the house
    D
If you want food you gotta cook it yourself
            Fmaj7
And if we stop having sex, I will leave
 G
I have friends that give me everything else

           Am
I’ve got goals and dreams and aspirations
 D
I’ve got shit to do
  Fmaj7
I’m not gonna change all my plans
G
Just to be with you

              E
Yeah we’re a perfect couple
                               Fmaj7
If you’re totally comfortable being alone
        E
We’ll always be together
         Fmaj7
If it’s cool that I’m never home
              E
If you like overcompensation for boundless insecurity
          Fmaj7
This is where it’s at
            D
And if you notice I’ve been talking about myself this whole time
       G
Well, get ready for more of that

               Am
And I’m like look at me look at me watch me watch me
Am
Listen to me listen to this what do you think
Am                                    G
Tell me the truth compliments only please
N.C.
Oh man you really get me

C
I’m gonna make your dreams come true
Fmaj7                       G
As long as they don’t interfere with mine
C
I’ll always be here for you
      Fmaj7                G
For methodically allotted amounts of time
Em              Am
I’ll be there to hold your hand
       D
If I happen to be in town
     Fmaj7
And any time you need me
            G               C  Fmaj7  G
There’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be around

Am
I know this all sounds bad
          Em
But you know what else is true
  Fmaj7
Every word that I just said
         G
Could have also been describing you
         Fmaj7
Yes every word that I just said
 G                             C Fmaj7 G
Could have also been describing you

Am
You just don’t feel bad about it
D
It’s never even occurred to you
Am
To not go after all the things
D
You’ve ever wanted to
Am
You weren’t subconsciously conditioned
D
To give up your dreams for me
       Fmaj7
Or that loved and ambitious
    G
Were mutually exclusive things to be

E
It probably didn’t cross your mind
     Fmaj7
That your mom had goals too
         E
That had nothing to do with getting married
     Fmaj7
And nothing to do with having you
E
Can we stop pretending
      Fmaj7
That it isn’t kind of sad
    D
That your mom never pursued anything
         G
With the same intensity as your dad

Am
And right now you’re thinking
G
Not my mom, that was her decision
Fmaj7
Okay, sure, but all our moms
G
That’s what they all envisioned...

C

Kate: 'You know whenever my mom...
Riki: Kate, no
Kate: Are you sure? Because she always...
Riki: Kate! No
Kate: What about Lesley's mom?
Riki: No Kate! None of the moms! None of the moms
Kate: None of the moms!

So therefore…

C
I’m gonna make your dreams come true
Fmaj7                     G
As long as they don’t interfere with mine
C
I’ll always be here for you
Fmaj7                        G
For methodically allotted amounts of time
Em               Am
I’ll be there to hold your hand
D
If I happen to be in town
Fmaj7
And any time you need me
G                            C Fmaj7 G
There’s a 50/50 chance I’ll be around

Am
Look I’ll meet you halfway there
D
But I can’t give you more than that
Am
And know it’s not as sweet of a deal
D
As every man ever before you had

Fmaj7     E
All I want is 50/50
Fmaj7
All I want is half
D
And if those numbers seem off to you
G
Why?

C
It doesn’t mean I won’t be your partner
C7
It doesn’t mean I won’t come through
Fmaj7
It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person
G
It just means I’m the same as you

C                                 C7
So if you’re looking for an equal you found it
Fmaj7                                G
But if want someone better than you, try again
Fmaj7                             G
Cause I only have what it takes to be man
Fmaj7                 G               C
I’ve never had what it takes to be a woman